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Yalortian Holidays!
Here's a list of days we get off for things!And by that, I mean: This is a list of all of the sacred religious holidays of Yalortism. Each one is a, uh, sacred event which we celebrate because, uh, it's so sacred. Yes.
 Baked Fish Day: 5th of JanuaryIn which we celebrate the glory of Baked Fish, or something. It all started when some guy said 'hey, let's make a day celebrating Baked Fish!' several years ago. Or something. Celebrations include thinking about eating baked fish and getting the day off. However, you aren't allowed to eat Baked Fish on this day for Legal Reasons. 301 days until Baked Fish Day! |
 Yalort's Other Unofficial Birthday: 22nd of FebruarySame as the previous two, but on a different day. 349 days until Yalort's Other Unofficial Birthday! |
 Pseudolonewolf Day (also 'lonewolf day'): 25th of FebruaryWe now have a lonewolf day every year! And all the children in years to come will be very grateful Yalort created him because they would get a day off school. And they will get to make lonewolf shaped pi?atas and cakes and will be allowed to eat little lonewolf shaped animal crackers. And there will be much rejoicing. 352 days until Pseudolonewolf Day (also 'lonewolf day')! |
 Kilted Monk Week: 4th - 11th of MarchBack in the Old Days, the Yalortian Priests and Cultlings used to call themselves 'Monks'. That's why Yalortian holy buildings are usually called Monasteries. They also used to wear exotic and raunchy kilts. They changed their ways a while ago, but Yalortians still devote this entire week to going back to their old traditions. You're to dress in a kilt and a T-shirt (and nothing else!) on the night of the 3rd of March, and not to remove any of this clothing until after midnight on the 11th. You are not allowed to wash or bathe or anything in this week. Those monks never did. Yalortian Gatherings in this week are common, and the Yalortians involved in such gatherings usually chant elaborate and monkly chants about how much better the good old days were compared to today, regardless of how old they are. 359 days until Kilted Monk Week! |
| Yalort's Unofficial Birthday: 1st of May Same as above, but on a different day. Yalort couldn't decide what day would be best for His Birthday (or, rather, the Priests couldn't decide), so He (or they) chose three days. The celebrations are the same. 52 days until Yalort's Unofficial Birthday! |
 Towel Day: 25th of MayTo quote from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitch hiker can have. Partly it has great practical value - you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mindboggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you - daft as a bush, but very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough. A tribute to that hoopy Douglas Adams. Now there was a frood who knew where his towel was. 76 days until Towel Day! |
 Robertthias's Birthday: 12th of JuneThe Birthday of Everyone's Favourite Mainstream Paladin (if you remember or even know who he is)! Celebrations include getting the day off, and pretending to be Paladins. This includes dressing in armour and going out and fighting monsters with swords. If no monsters are available, random people will do. If no swords are available, a meat cleaver, large knife, or chainsaw will do. If no armour is available, you are to go out nude. This holiday is also known to cause many casualties. And shame. Lots of that, too. 94 days until Robertthias's Birthday! |
 Roget's Birthday: 14th of JuneThe birthday of the Fabled and Enigmatic Roget, whoever he is. Celebrations include getting the day off, singing sea chanties about lobsters and wolves dressed as lobsters, and dressing as yellow owls. 96 days until Roget's Birthday! |
| The Earth's Birthday: 22nd of July The day Yalort made the Earth! There aren't really any ceremonies involved, except getting the day off. Oh, and you aren't allowed to leave your house on this day. If you do, you are to be executed. 134 days until The Earth's Birthday! |
 Universal Dictionary Day: 25th of JulyThe day in which we celebrate the Dictionary in all its glory. It started when some Yalortian High Priest decided that he liked Dictionaries, and thought there should be a day devoted to them. Only Universal Dictionaries, though; he considered any other type of Dictionary to be Cursed. Celebrations involve gathering in groups, where one person sits on a chair and reads a Universal Dictionary - the entire Dictionary - to the others who are sat in a circle around him or her. The epitome of excitement. Oh, and we get the day off, too. 137 days until Universal Dictionary Day! |
| Revised Edition Day: 25th of August Very similar to Universal Dictionary day, except this one is about Revised Editions of the Dictionary. Or any other book, really. As long as the book says 'Revised Edition' somewhere on its cover, then it's acceptable. We get the day off for this. 168 days until Revised Edition Day! |
| Selected Poems Eve: 9th of September We spend this day eagerly awaiting Selected Poems Day, which is the day after. Some people die of excitement and impatience on this day. Usually by imploding. We get the day off. Who could concentrate on anything else when overcome with such excited anticipation about Selected Poems? 183 days until Selected Poems Eve! |
| Selected Poems Day: 10th of September On this day, we read selected poems about jellybeans, figs, wildebeest, or Antarctica. The poems must be read to live cats. Nothing else. Nobody seems to know how it started, what it has to do with Yalort or Yalortism, or why we celebrate it. But at least we get the day off. 184 days until Selected Poems Day! |
 Talk Like A Pirate Day: 19th of SeptemberYarr! ...I won't even attempt to try to speak like a pirate in this description. And though this isn't really a Yalortian holiday, we acknowledge it anyway. Because, come on! Pirates! PIRATES!! 193 days until Talk Like A Pirate Day! |
| Yalort's Birthday: 24th of October Though Yalort was never born, this is what we celebrate as Yalort's Birthday. I don't know why it's on that day. Celebrations include making a massive cake, full of as many candles as possible, singing 'Happy Birthday' to Yalort, and waiting for Him to blow the candles out. If anyone else blows the candles out, they are to be executed. No exceptions. Oh, and the cake must be covered in a highly volatile liquid. This holiday, when celebrated properly, causes lots of casualties. 228 days until Yalort's Birthday! |
 Wrath of Antarctica Day: 12th of DecemberCelebrations include getting two days off, one for the actual holiday (the 12th), and one for 'recovery' (the 13th). 277 days until Wrath of Antarctica Day! |
 Pigglemas: 25th of DecemberOne of the High Priests of Long Ago was called Emperor Piggle XXIV. He wasn't actually the emperor of anything, and he wasn't the twenty-fourth of anything, either, but he was quite mad. He was really fat, too, with a massive pink beard and eyes that twitched all the time and looked in different directions to each other. He used to wear a woman's dress all the time (yellow with white flowers), and a pirate captain's hat. He was, as I said, quite mad. He also used to break into peoples' houses, but instead of stealing anything, he'd leave a bunch of assorted treasures or toys or something. Right before stealing a bunch of other assorted treasures or toys or something. I mean, what he basically did was take things from one house, then move on to the next, leave what he'd just stolen there, and then steal things from that house of about equal value to what he'd left, only to move onto the next house and do the same again. He really was quite mad. He is memorable, though, and so, for some reason, we honour his memory by devoting a day to him. On this day, Yalortians give gifts to one another, like Emperor Piggle XXIV, uh, 'gave gifts' to people. Also, since Emperor Piggle XXIV was such a huge fan of explicit pornography, we decorate our houses during this time with pornographic images and paraphernalia. Most people get a prostitute to stand in the corner of their living room (a Swedish Yalortian Fallen Ninja Priest did this once to celebrate Pigglemas, and everyone thought it was such a good idea that they decided to follow suite). The children love this holiday! 290 days until Pigglemas! |
| Festival of the Kilted Monks Called Roget Jr Reading Selected Poems About Baked Fish From Antarctica: -8nd Septembuary This one's just... confusing. Also, since it's declared in the Official Booke Of Yalortianne Holidayyse as being on the '-8nd of Septembuary', nobody really celebrates it. We still get the day off, though. 288 days until Festival of the Kilted Monks Called Roget Jr Reading Selected Poems About Baked Fish From Antarctica! |
2010
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